I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
