Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
