you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
