Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
