I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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