Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
