the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
