My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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