You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
