I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
