did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
