So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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