Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
