You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
