Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
