This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
