grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
