No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You ruined the universe
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
