So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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