hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
