the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize