TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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