I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
