Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
