Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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