ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
