I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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