I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
