the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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