So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize