Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
