i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
