Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
