why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
