He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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