So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
