I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
