Don't make out with my wife yet
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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