Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
