..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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