My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
