forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
