drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
