I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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