Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
