Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
