So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
