mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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