I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
