Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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