i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
