You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
They are going to name an STD after you.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
