stop calling my apartment porn island.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just puked most of my soul out..
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