I wanna passion pit in your ass
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
