My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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