im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
