So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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