so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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