found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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