My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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