i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize