She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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