Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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