His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
