just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
